Not just a father....An Awesome Dad!

'Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad!'

By Rupal Jasraj Patel

(Child Psychologist, Parenting Coach, and Parent & Child Counsellor)

“What do I do with a three-year-old who's grabbing my trouser leg just as I am on an important call?”

'I am really not in the mood to play house-house or hide and seek or football after a long, hard day at work.'

'I can’t watch cartoons after an exhausting day at work. I need to watch the news and my cricket match. Why doesn't anyone understand?!”

'How am I going to get this adamant child to eat his food? I have no patience for these things.'

'Shouldn't all this be handled by the mom? Isn’t it her domain? I am so lost most times as to what to do!'

The last one almost sounds like a wail for help! Doesn't it?

Yes, Fatherhood isn't easy either.

Well, to make it clear - it isn't meant to be easy, but it is definitely meant to be a life-changing experience, giving you some of the most precious moments of your life! :)

Here are a few tips to remove the struggle in your journey of fatherhood and to help you become an even more awesome dad than, what I am sure, you already are!! 

The fact that you are reading this is proof enough of that. :)

1. Spend Time with Your Child

How much time a father spends with his children tells them how important they are to him. 

Spend a minimum of 15 minutes every day, having FUN with your children on a one on one basis.

Find something that both of you enjoy, be it a sport, board games, laughing together, tickling, dancing, painting, reading, roughhousing- absolutely anything that is ‘fun’ for both of you!

Remember, filling their cupboards with toys and other material things will not help in building that bond; spending time together is what will get you closer to your child and strengthen your relationship.

2. Respect your Children

Talk politely to your children. It is very important for us to respect them if we want them to respect us. 

Listening to them when they are talking, not interrupting their conversations, allowing them to make some of their own decisions, all go a long way in showing respect.

3. Communication is Important

Talk to your children. Talk about their day-to-day routines and tell them about yours.

Be aware of your child's life, get to know their friends, the activities they do, their hobbies, and their interests. 

Get to really “know” your children.

4. Don't just hear, LISTEN!

When children talk, listen! What they are saying is very important to them. Don't jump in and start giving advice. Take the time to just listen and try to understand the feelings behind their words.

When they talk, be fully present. Keep the newspaper aside, switch off the television, put your mobile on silent. Maintain eye contact and give them your undivided attention. This will tell your children how important they are to you. It will go a long way in increasing their self-esteem and also set the stage for more meaningful conversations, as your child grows older. 

Though if your child wants to talk to you at one of those times when you are really busy, don't stress. Assure them that you will be with them once you are done. Fix up a time -- it could be half an hour later – or even by the day. Just make sure to make the time to follow through with it.

5. Teach and Encourage 

Very often fathers feel that teaching is something their spouse or the school has to do – be it something concrete as learning how to use the computer or play a game or imparting values and teaching right from wrong. But a father who spends time teaching his children in every way, and encourages them to do their best, will see his children grow up believing in themselves and making correct choices in life. 

A father who is involved in his child’s daily routines will be able to impart the basic values of life through everyday examples.

6. Discipline with Love

Every child needs guidance and discipline. This does not mean punishment, but setting reasonable limits. Discipline should always come from a place of love and the purpose of discipline is to teach the child responsible behaviour. 

Also keep in mind that as the child grows older, the freedom should be increased and the limits have to be reduced. 

Use positive forms of discipline such as logical consequences; wherein the consequence is connected to the misbehaviour.

7. Demonstrate your Love

Children need the security of being loved and accepted by their families. Showing affection is a wonderful way to demonstrate the love you have for your child. Hug them, kiss them, cuddle them and be there for them at all times.Let them know they have your unconditional love and support. This will strengthen the parent-child bond and also ease the discipline and communication process

8. Respect your Child's Mother

One of the best things a father can do for his children is to respect their mother. If you are married, keep your marriage strong. Show your love and affection for your spouse. When you have a conflict, demonstrate how two people can make up. This teaches your children a lot about relationships. If you are divorced, it is still important to respect the mother of your children. Don't ever badmouth your spouse in front of your children.When children see you respecting each other, they are more likely to feel accepted and respected as well.

9. Eat Together as a Family

Mealtimes are special times for bonding as a family. Sharing a meal together is an important part of healthy family life (breakfast, lunch or dinner). Besides providing stability to busy days, it is a wonderful opportunity for the entire family to share the happenings of their lives with each other. It is a time of togetherness and strengthening the family ties.

10. Make plans with your children

Take your children to the zoo, the museums, the beach. Take them for walks; take them swimming, take them bowling, take them to the park. Celebrate festivals, significant occasions, and even no occasion surprise celebrations!

Give them your undivided attention and be present with them at these times. 

Use these opportunities to bond, to teach and to learn from them. 

Whether these times are spent one-on-one or with family or with friends, the most important thing is to enjoy yourself with them!

11. Be Involved in your Children's Lives 

Give priority to your children over other things and other people. Attend parents' days, sports day, annual day celebrations and any events they are participating in or which are important to them. 

No matter what reasoning or justification you give to them for not being there, we all, including children, realise that we "make" time and prioritise things and people that are important to us. (It's very rarely that we genuinely cannot make it.) Remember this the next time you have to take a decision on whether to attend an event that is important to your child or fix up a meeting with someone at work. 

Time and childhood both don't wait. Being a part of their important days will not only build your child's self-esteem but also go a long way in strengthening your relationship with them.

12. Be a Good Role Model

Practice what you preach. Don't tell your kids that honesty is the best policy and then ask your spouse to say you are not at home when an unwanted person calls. Children will model themselves on your actions more than your words.
When you make promises, even to your children, follow through with them.
Be the same man behind closed doors as you are in public. This will increase the respect your children have for you

Honour - Privilege - Responsibility

Honour - Privilege - Responsibility

by Rupal Jasraj Patel 
(Child Psychologist, Parenting Coach, and Parent & Child Counsellor)

“Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, 

than the raising of the next generation.”  
-- C. Everett Koop

The first time any parent sets eyes on their newborn baby is priceless. The first time a parent brings home an adopted child is equally a treasured moment. The joy that emanates from their heart when they hold their baby, the gratitude they feel to have a precious angel in their lives or the exhilarating feeling of becoming a parent which is irreplaceable. The sense of responsibility is overwhelming but the feeling that we are so fortunate to be given this valuable gift overrides everything else.

As children grow, parents get into a routine and many of those feelings start diminishing. The feeling that "I am oh-so-fortunate to be a parent” peeps its way up once in a while, when our children do something that makes us proud of them. But on a daily basis, the story is entirely different. We get caught up in the rigmarole of life and don't remember what a privilege parenting is.

The sense of responsibility towards parenting usually stays strong and masks itself as discipline, rules, schedules etc. Yes, discipline is required, but with a base of love and respect. And yes, all parents do love their children, but the expressions of love get lesser with time. Most parents feel "Our children 'should know by now' how much we love them." But isn't it a fact that each one of us, even as an adult, wants love to be expressed through words, gestures, and actions on a daily basis? Kids want and need it all the more!

We forget how lucky we are to have been given the chance to fulfill that need in our child's life; to fill their hearts with love and care. We lose sight of the fact that everything we say and do impacts the growth of our precious child. And the feeling of gratitude for becoming a parent gets lost somewhere.

It is never too late to make the change - even if your child is already an adult. It all starts 'from this moment on'.

-- Let us take a moment to recognize the honour bestowed on us every time we hold their hand and feel that bond at the depth of our being.

-- Let us remember how privileged we are, to have our children in our lives every time we ask them to leave us alone. Our life has so much more meaning because of our children.

-- Let us be grateful, even when they are misbehaving, for the opportunity we have as parents to guide them on the correct path.

-- Let us acknowledge how lucky we are to have been given the chance to soothe our children’s broken toes as well as comfort their broken hearts.

-- Let us understand how fortunate we are to be blessed with the most important responsibility, which is of raising another human being.

-- Let us have immense gratitude every time we look at our precious child because of whom we have the honour of being called ‘mom’ or ‘dad’.

-- And most importantly, let us always remember to express our love and care for them whether we are disciplining them or indulging them.

We have been given the chance of nurturing another life, to mould them in the way we want, to bring out their highest potential and to help them steer their lives in the direction of success and happiness.

Whether we cherish that opportunity or squander it 

is entirely up to us!

Either way, the fact will remain that 

this opportunity matches none other!!

Happy Parenting!!

14 Quick Tips to be an Awesome Mom

14 Quick Tips to be an Awesome Mom
by Rupal Jasraj Patel 
(Child Psychologist, Parenting Coach, and Parent & Child Counsellor)

1. Have FUN with your children

Usually, mothers, even working mothers, tend to be around children more than fathers. Whether they are looking after their food, clothes, carpools, homework, classes, PTA meetings, parties etc. etc. But in spite of being around, how many of you actually have fun with your children? How many of you feel the joy that comes from being a mother – on a day-to-day basis? Mothers are so busy with the day-to-day routines that they forget to have fun with their children. Make that one-on-one time TODAY!! Enjoy being a mom! Do something that both you and your child like -- indulge in outdoor games, art and craft activities, board games, go for a walk, have a heart to heart conversation, cook, bake, go shopping -- do anything at all that makes BOTH of you feel GOOD! Even simply laughing together, tickling each other, dancing, singing songs -- just HAVE FUN!

2. Show Your Love
Every day tell your children “I love you”. “You are very special to me.” Show your affection for them with lots of hugs and kisses. With younger children that comes very easily - hugging, kissing, cuddling. But ensure to do that even when your kids grow older. They may not show how loved it makes them feel, but rest assured it does. Express your love for them every single day. That unconditional love and acceptance will go a long way in making them feel secure and happy.

3. Encourage! Encourage! Encourage!

Not enough can ever be said about the power of encouragement. That is what builds your child's self-esteem and courage. The simplest way to encourage your children is to remember to focus on their strengths and talk about it. Never miss the opportunity to genuinely encourage your child every single day!

4. Communicate with your kids

Communication strengthens the mother-child bond. Talk to them about your day and listen to how their day has gone. Make sure to listen even when they talk your ears off. This goes a long way in easing out the communication barriers especially when your child gets into the “leave me alone’ teenage years. When you listen to what they have to say, they will want to listen to you when you talk. Communication is a two-way street!

5. Mutual respect

Always ensure that your kids treat you with respect at all times. Do not allow them to overstep that line of self-respect. At the same time, remember to always respect your children, no matter what their age. For example, listen to their views and values, their opinions. Don't jump to the conclusion that since they are younger, they don't know much. You may not agree with their opinions or thoughts, but make sure you hear them out. Your little ones may just surprise you with their wisdom.

6. Keep your children safe

All parents want to keep their kids safe. However, some parents are not aware of small things like making them sit in the back of the car while driving, or making sure that there is someone responsible with them at all times. Even as the children get older, safety plays an important role. It is important to always know where they are going and with whom. Keep talking to them about how to be safe, especially when they start traveling alone.

7. Inculcating values

Values are the best gift you will ever give your children. They form the foundation of a child's character. They are like the roots which will hold them down even when things get rough. Grab every teachable moment to communicate your views and values. With younger children, values can be inculcated through stories. With older kids, heart to heart conversations and discussions will help to get your views and values across to them. However, the best way to teach values is through your own behaviour. Children tend to model themselves on the way you behave. Which brings us to the 8th point…

8. Be a great role model

Remember what they see is what you get! Children are watching you all the time and want to ape you in every possible way! Even very young children take in and listen to everything their parents say and do, so always be aware of your actions and behaviour around them. For example, if you talk rudely to the domestic help, you will not be very successful in teaching your children the value of politeness. Model the behaviour that you want them to develop; take those actions that you want them to emulate.

9. Set rules and limits

A good mother is firm as well as flexible. Don't leave discipline only to the father. Set reasonable rules and limits and discuss them with your kids beforehand. Follow through with the consequences whenever applicable. However, there are times when you have to be flexible and ease the rules, especially when they are tired, sleepy, hungry or not well.

10. Keep your kids healthy, but allow them their personal likes and dislikes when it comes to food

With moms and kids, food and food habits are a big issue. Either the child eats too much or too little; doesn't sit still, walks around and eats, throws tantrums, eats a lot of junk, watches TV. while eating etc. The best that you can do as a mom is provide nutritious meals for your children, but at the same time allow them to make their own choices about what they like or don't like. Remember, everyone has different tastes. Your favourite food doesn't necessarily have to be their favourite too! As long as you are providing them with nutritious choices and not junk food, they will almost always make the right choices.

11. Teach them responsibility

Children are never too young to learn responsibility. A toddler putting his crayons back in the box or removing his shoes and putting them on the shoe rack after he is back from the garden is responsibility. A child setting her own timetable, putting her plate in the kitchen after meals, keeping her desk and cupboard clean are all examples of being responsible. However, responsibility can only be learned when they are given the chance to learn it. Allow them to do things that they are capable of doing at their age. Allow them to grow up!

12. Honour their father

One of the best things a mother can do is honour her children’s father in front of them. Even if you are separated or divorced, never speak ill about your spouse in front of your children. Talk about him with respect and teach your children to respect him too.

13. Get the kids to interact with extended family  

Get your children to bond with extended family -- uncles, aunts, cousins. Make an effort so that they interact with both the maternal and paternal sides. Even if you don't get along with your in-laws, teach your children to respect their grandparents. They will hold you in higher esteem for doing that.

14. Take care of yourself

Sleep well. Look after your health. Make time to do what you enjoy. Pamper yourself.  It is not selfish to value and cherish yourself. It is required! Remember, a happy, relaxed mom can give more of herself to her children and her family than an overworked, tense mother. Be HAPPY and let that happiness overflow into your environment.

"Stay-at-Home Mom"- Full-Time Job

By Rupal Jasraj Patel (Child Psychologist, Parenting Coach, and Parent & Child Counsellor)

A lot of eyebrows will be raised on reading that.

"She doesn't know what a full-time job means! She has probably never worked in the real world and then come home to do household chores!"

And there will be many sighs of relief too!
"Finally someone understands!"

Earlier the moms who chose to go to work were reprimanded constantly!
"She doesn't care about her kids. She is never around for them!"

Over the years, the tables seemed to have turned.

I keep hearing about comments the stay-at-home moms have to listen to, whether from their spouse, in-laws, family or friends.

Comments filled with envy..
"Oh, you don't work? How lucky, you have so much time on hand."

Demeaning comments..
"I just can't sit at home. Such an idle life."

And some to make the listener feel useless...
"I can't make it today. Some people work you know!"

Those who pass these comments have probably never worked at home or looked after a child full-time. Or even if they have, they haven't really "taken care" of the child the entire day to know what it entails.

Yes, I do agree, that a mom who stays at home but spends all her time only watching television, going to salons, kitty parties and sleeping while the maid looks after the child or the children are left to fend for themselves, is not creating much value.

And of course, the ones who work in an office and come home to a pile of housework have a lot to do. However, the list of things to be done at home, throughout the day, is endless too! That shouldn't be undermined either!

Some moms don't have an option and need to work to support the family finances. But many moms have a choice - some choose to have a career while others prefer staying at home, to look after their home and kids.

Sometimes, it may be easier to go outside and work, than face the tantrums of a child and the non stop banter in the house! Many use work as a form of escapism from their daily lives, consciously or subconsciously.

Either ways, both choices are exhausting! And nobody has the right to judge or belittle their decision! We must learn to respect each one's choice! 

Whether a mom chooses to be a career woman or a home maker, she is following her heart; her own path. And as long as she is creating value for herself and others, she deserves nothing less than a huge round of applause!